Falling Star
by CrazyRopeDragon
Summary: Kaidan Alenko mourns the passing of Commander Shepard, the man who was never his. He tries to cope with the fact that he will never see him again... Until he does... Two years later.


He'd never told him how he felt. Kaidan sat in the small box apartment he owned, a half empty bottle of non-descript, cheap whiskey by his side. He drank from a cracked glass and stared at the news article on his omni-tool. He set the chipped glass down, and ran a hand through his hair, clutching at tufts of it in despair. He'd never told him how he felt about him, and now there was no more time. He had had all the time in the world, and he had wasted it, afraid that his commanding officer didn't feel the same way. He had so many opportunities, but he'd said nothing. He swiped angrily at the tears falling down his face. The picture in the news article had set off this bout of drunken crying. Shepard. N7 armour and gun, staring defiantly at the viewer. Kaidan sobbed loudly, howling at the four walls of his bedroom. To have survived Sovereign and Saren and the attack on the citadel… And then for the Normandy to be shot out of the sky. It wasn't fair. He hurled the broken glass across the room in fury. It shattered against the far wall, splaying glass all over. Kaidan scooped up the half-empty bottle of whiskey, and drank from the neck.

He remembered Shepard so well that fateful day. He made sure everyone else got off the ship, literally having carried Joker from the cockpit to an escape pod. He had sacrificed his life for his crew's safety. Why did he have to be a big goddam hero?! He remembered the last words they had shared. They seemed incredibly insignificant. He had thought he would see him again. If anyone could have gotten away from the burning Normandy it was Shepard. But he hadn't. He had died. He'd been spaced. Gone. Snuffed out from the galaxy in a second. He had been so strong, so tough, survived so much. How was it fair for him to go out like that?

At first he had been furious at Joker. At the funeral, he refused to speak to him. Joker had tried, grieving harder than anyone else. He blamed himself, and tore himself to pieces with grief. And for a time Kaidan had blamed him too. But now he had spent his anger, he blamed nobody. He was just distraught. He stared at the photo again, remembering the last time he had seen him. Alive, on the move, in action. Then the funeral. No body.

Kaidan doubted there had been much left of him. He had burned up in atmosphere like a star falling to the earth. He must have made a beautiful sight, the biotic thought bitterly. But nothing could ever be as beautiful as that cautious smile. The smile that had made Kaidan wonder. Shepard had taken great lengths to be nothing but professional towards his crew. But there had been that cautious smile. A smile, Kaidan had noted. That the Commander had given no-one else. Save him.

Kaidan took another swig.

Now that everything had happened, now that it was all settled , and Kaidan had a moment to think, he couldn't recall why he had never told Shepard how he felt. What stupid excuse had stopped him from taking, what now seemed to be, that smallest of risks? In his drunken stupor he gazed at the picture of Shepard again, and not for the first time, he whispered, "I love you." Saying those words to that man's face always managed to send a shiver down his spine. There was something elating, relieving about it. Yet something so terribly sad. Shepard had been a road not taken, a future not realised. He gazed longingly at the planes of the man's face, and in a moment of madness he reached out, thinking he could fall into that picture, thinking he could fall back in time and make it all right. But his hand simply went through and made contact with nothing. That was all that was left of Shepard now. Nothing. Kaidan snatched his hand back, and stared again wide eyed at the picture. He didn't think he could cry anymore for a love that had never happened.

He stared, his heart in his mouth. This had to be some cruel trick. It had been years, it was done with now, processed, all but forgotten. At least that was what he had told himself. That's what his mind thought, but he had a hard time convincing his heart of that. It jumped incessantly, as though he had just seen a ghost. Surely he must have.

It had been years.

But Shepard stood before him, not yet seeing him.

Kaidan wanted nothing so much as to push his limbs out towards him. To run to him, fall on him, cry on him. But he stood motionless. So it was true then. This time. So many sick rumours had circled for the two years the man had been dead that he had been spotted. The first couple of times, Kaidan had wanted to believe. It was Shepard. If anyone could survive atmospheric re-entry it was him. But then time had gone by painfully, and his belief in these outlandish claims had waned. This latest report of a living, breathing Shepard had been shrugged off with well practiced resignation. Shepard was dead. That was a cold hard fact to Kaidan. Except now it would seem that it wasn't. It was true then. Shepard lived. And he was with Cerberus. An inextricable rage filled him. He clenched a fist and saw a faint blue glow surrounding him. He tried to calm himself, to catch his breath, but he couldn't. This was beyond reasoning. Kaidan felt betrayed, and he wanted to throw something. He saw a storage crate to his right lift from the ground as though by its own accord.

Soft green eyes locked with his.

Kaidan's hand open, and air rushed from his lungs. He quite forgot how to breathe. The storage crate fell with a resounding thud. Kaidan remembered that night so long ago shortly after his apparent death. Holed up in tiny apartment, getting pissed drunk staring at that picture. He had stared at it so many times until it became unbearable to look at him. It was painful to look at him now, but Kaidan couldn't tear his eyes away. He wanted to scream at him, "I LOVED YOU!", he wanted to demand to know where he'd been, demand to know why he'd been left behind. Why he hadn't come to find him. Shepard turned his body around fully to face him, still staring with that calm steadfast gaze. But at least he looked surprised. At least Kaidan had that. He drank every detail of his face in thirstily in case this should be snatched away from him again. He drank every detail in in fury. He'd mourned for him. Cried for him. Begged the cosmos to give him back, seemingly in vain. He'd moved on, grudgingly. He'd had relationships, failed, but still. He'd had them. He'd made new friends. He'd progressed and earned ranks and honours for himself. If Shepard had know he was alive, at least he wouldn't have seen Kaidan's life falling apart. All things considered it would have looked as though he didn't care. As though his life wasn't torn apart. Kaidan narrowed his eyes. Good. Let that be his revenge.

Then came that cautious smile.

"Kaidan…" said that strangely gentle voice. He finally sucked in a breath to say all that he had to say.


End file.
